Acrylic on cardstock (i think)
© Sandra Pelly, All Rights Reserved,

A hamlet near my hometown, now botanical gardens. 

I never thought I had so much to say.  The mess in my head is unravelling, the mountain of knotted and tangled threads of my thoughts in my head seem sometimes to make the pattern. I return to the old ruins, to the cliffs and stones, and old hideouts, old sacred places.  I look for reasons in place where there is no reason, no sense, no nothing just a mess at first sight trying to find a pattern a way out, when there is none. Just things crumbling in time, still standing but lost its purpose.






I had been falling slowly towards hell in past 6 - 8 months.  Its called severe post natal depression.  I sank deeper and deeper till one day I just broke, I had a very public breakdown and made whole heap people angry at me.  My therapist says that they should not be angry, because no one should be angry at anyone for being unwell, however I am still broken now more than ever.  Most of the days I find it hard even to get up or do anything, and I find it that I have no one to talk to, so I hold it all inside.   I feel I only get up for my 3 daughters even though I have huge trouble connecting to my youngest one.   They wanted to put me on SSRI meds I refused few times already because I do not want my daughter having severe side effects from meds passed through breast milk, and to be honest I do not like the potential of what they can do to me.  I dont want to take magic pill and mask everything.  So they tell me go exercise or meditate but how to do that when I do not even feel like moving, breathing or anything.  I just sink lower and lower. 

I picked my brush to resolve my conversations, but they make no sense.  My head is a mess.  I bottle the anger, despair and stare at the wall.  I cry when no one is looking, even though hiding tears is hard.  No one understands, hell I dont even understand.  I dont understand my wish to cease....





acrylic on paper
my daughter stella painted between breastfeeding 1 month old and 20 month old and 10 year old whinging about haircut or something else irrelevant in grand scheme of things... funny kids cant whinge and cringe when you fuck up


Acrylic on cardstock paper A4 size

my daughters best friend
i took many photos of her for reference and i liked sad one best
i am still  having issues with paints possibly because i dont get chance to paint much due to 3 terrornaughts


acrylic on paper, a4